email Stephen L. Goldstein: trendsman@aol.com
After careful, thoughtful, longtime, objective, clinical observation, I have come to the inescapable conclusion that “conservatitis,” the mutant of mainstream conservatism that is epidemic today, is a certifiable illness—curable only by a protocol of extra-strength liberalism. But I get ahead of myself out of pity and my desire to give hope to the afflicted. First things, first: Victims and those who care for them need to understand the exact nature and extent of the seven “deadly” symptoms of “conservatitis” before taking or administering “the cure.”
1. Lack of empathy: Congressional tea party/Republicans have opposed extending unemployment benefits. Defrocked presidential candidate Herman Cain said that if you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself—not Wall Street or big banks. Newt Gingrich suggested that poor people are lazy and have no work ethic. Mitt Romney justifies doing away with thousands of jobs to create thousands more of them.
2. Paranoia: Victims of “conservatitis” fantasize about enemies and threats to their health everywhere, particularly in election years. One year, it’s same-sex couples who want to get married. The next year, it’s illegal immigrants. There’s always someone or something out to get them. This year, it may be the tooth fairy conspiring with the Easter bunny.
3. Hallucinations: The “conservatitis” epidemic has disproportionately affected tea party/GOP governors and state legislatures that have enacted sweeping, draconian measures to combat voter serious fraud—which doesn’t exist.
4. A neurotic desire to live in the past: A failed Republican primary candidate for the U.S. Senate from Nevada suggested that, “in the olden days,” “our grandparents” paid doctors with chickens—and we should do the same.
5. Selective morality: Newt Gingrich says he cheated on his wife “for love of country”—and God has forgiven him. I say she isn’t fooled—and hasn’t.
6. A neurotic commitment to failure: It has been said that the difference between a rat in a maze guessing that a wrong door has the cheese behind it and a human in the same predicament is that the rat will eventually move on to a different door. Republican prez wannabes persist in claiming that lowering taxes raises revenues when it doesn’t. Wrong door, rotten cheese.
7. An abnormal desire to pledge: Even in its mildest form, “conservatitis” leaves victims unable to think for themselves. Grover Norquist boasts that 238 members of the U.S. House of Representatives, 41 U.S. Senators, and more than 1,100 state officeholders have signed his no-taxes pledge—an impeachable offense.
The jury is out on whether “conservatitis” is an acquired disease or the result of a genetic predisposition. Either way, there is hope. Experiments at McGill University and the University of Chicago suggest that rats have empathy for each other. Perhaps they could supply the missing gene for tea party/GOP with “conservatitis.” Science has also proven that the neurochemical oxytocin makes people trustworthy and moral. So, it could be the basis for a vaccine to treat symptoms of “conservatitis.” For others, substituting Judeo-Christian teachings for the Godless rants of Ayn Rand may suffice. Liberalism is founded upon the ethical and moral teachings of the Old and New Testaments. Read for their original intent, they could heal ailing conservatives.
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